• mood: lethargic
• listening: YouTube video tutorials about how to make Hungarian chicken paprikash lmao

the first part of my day was super, super productive, but then the latter half was spent in pain and on the couch. this is the reality of life with a chronic illness, unfortunately. I often try to lie to myself and mentally manifest not having eds: "you have invented having eds", "it's not real that you have eds", "you are making excuses to be lazy". this so far has not worked, but I will let everyone know when it does!

I woke up, rolled out of bed, made a matcha latte, and immediately drove me and The Country Brat to scope out Spirit and Target for discount Halloween homewares. she bought herself a new outfit on discount, and for the house I bought a new floor mat, a throw pillow with a skull on it, and a Ouija planchette coffee mug (we really can't have too many coffee mugs with how caffeinated this family is, lol). I also bought some socks for myself. following this, I cleansed and charged my altar and all its artifacts, so that I could spend All Saints' Day in service of my ancestors. I had to work this weekend a little bit as well, and I reactivated and cleaned up my Facebook so that I could use it for mutual aid now that food stamps are shut off.

by the time the afternoon rolled around, I was absolutely wrecked. I had developed a quite bad headache. I relegated myself to the couch with my laptop, my TV, and yarn, where I still am today. I've watched about two hours of chicken paprikash tutorials on YouTube now. I could not have a stronger craving for chicken paprikash. but honestly I want to try to eat the stuff we already have here and tighten my belt a little bit rather than indulge my cravings. I have a bunch of premade meals in the freezer to get through; I just don't feel like getting through them. we also have plenty of ingredients here to work with.

I've had the great fortune of, the past few years, basically being able to spoil myself and indulge my cravings on demand. hence my food gallery is full of pictures of delicious meals. but I can't help but feel like we're on the precipice of doing without, so I've been trying to make do. so far, that's an easy task. I hope it doesn't get much harder for us, but unfortunately I understand it will get much harder for so many people. I relied on food stamps as a young student-parent going through software development school; I also subsisted off of my student refunds from Pell grants and loans. logically, I and so many others like me are case studies in the success of welfare in contributing to upward mobility. beyond that, it's astonishing to me how many American self-proclaimed Christians--and the Catholics in particular--are so upset about the idea of having to, *gasp*, feed the unfortunate.

I guess what I'm trying to say, to whoever may be reading this in the US or just anywhere, if you are still fortunate in these trying times, please pay it forward. learn about your community's mutual aid and food banks and pantries. save a handful of billionaires and multimillionaires, we are all a few bad moves away from financial ruin. everyone deserves to eat.