Childfree spaces: the only reason we have (some of) them is because it's okay to hate kids

Sunday, June 30th, 2024, 14:03

Mood: Lazy

Our culture is full of childfree spaces and sometimes this is okay, because if kids were in them, then it would harm them. Consider: a strip club. That's a childfree space and with very good reason. Only adults should be allowed to go to the strip club. But childfree spaces for other purposes--restaurants, for example--are becoming an extremely popular idea, not on the basis that the childfree space is harmful to the child, but that the childfree space gives adults an opportunity to be away from them for a while.

Recently, a vegan restaurant in Indianapolis has come under fire for implementing two policies: one, no public breastfeeding and, two, no children under the age of five. Their reasons for doing so appear to be related to hygiene--or anyway, that's their reason for banning the latter, as they complained of having to clean diapers around the restaurant. It's worth noting that their bathrooms did not come with changing infrastructure. It's also worth noting that their ban on breastfeeding violates Indiana state law.

This decision has many mothers outraged, understandably. A lot of us, especially when our kids are still tit-age, don't get to do a lot of fun things. However, particularly in childfree communities, decisions like these by public businesses to create childfree spaces has been something I've seen encouraged for years now. I believe it's because our culture encourages us to hate children. Here's why.

When you look at the laws surrounding child's rights in the United States, our culture does hate children. As of 2015, the US is the only United Nations member state to not ratify the Convention on the Rights of the Child, which essentially establishes a children's bill of rights. (Before then, Somalia and South Sudan were the only other countries who had not ratified it.) A major barrier to our ability to assign rights to children is that we consider children the property of their parents and, therefore, give parents license to do as they please to and with children, provided they follow the law. For example: parents can withhold medical treatment for children if religious objections are cited, grant permission for their children to marry adults and, of course, strike children as discipline. Here in Indiana, it is still legal for teachers to strike children to promote orderliness; technically, it would be legal for my child's teacher to strike her under that law, but not for me to strike the teacher back in retaliation.

If I were found to have withheld medical care from a dependent spouse or parent on account of religious reasons, or struck them during conflict, that'd be considered both immoral and illegal in our society--and yet these very reasonable, bare minimum rights aren't extended to children. Why? Because we hate them.

"But Erica", I'm sure you're saying to yourself, "why are you comparing hitting kids to not letting them in restaurants? Some kids just act like shit and ruin the restaurant experience for everyone." That they do, sure, but why are we surprised? This is a group of people we are legally allowed to hit, sire off, and neglect, so long as we have a good reason for doing those things. Why should we be surprised when they misbehave? Why are we expecting people to act like adults who we fundamentally do not treat like adults nor give the same rights as adults to?

Here's my proposition. I think that the conversation surrounding the need for childfree spaces wouldn't exist if we all simply started treating our kids like little adults. This is what I do with The Country Brat, and her whole life people--including other parents--have remarked to me:

• "She's so mature for her age!"
• "Talking to her is like talking to a little adult!"

Is it because The Country Brat is just this naturally more mature person, who came out of the womb this way? I mean, maybe? But honestly, it's so hard to say, because from day one, her dad and I have always treated her like another little adult. Okay, sure, maybe a kinda more incompetent adult who needs more direction--but that's where us parents come in as guides. We have, from day one, always instructed her that her life is something she has control over--unless she requires medical care, which is provided gently and with lots of background information--and that she is able to make choices that aren't harmful to her or others. We have also instructed her that, as a member of a family unit, which is necessarily a democratic community in and of itself, she also has responsibilities--and that includes making sure she's of healthy body and mind.

And, to be very clear, she is not an "I'm seen and not heard" child. She has ADHD and has sometimes been a pain in the ass, especially within the school system. We have often butted heads with teachers who take more of the authoritarian approach, requesting we either medicate her or discipline her if she is disobedient. Our answer has always been the same: she disobeys because she is bored, and wouldn't any adult be bored if they were assigned tasks that weren't on their intellectual level? By guiding her and helping her build skills, and recognizing her need for stimulation, we have helped her manage her ADHD without medication or disciplinary measures.

Listen, I'm a shitty parent. I am. People are always telling me what a good parent I am, but I think they're just pulling my leg or trying to make me feel better about myself. Maybe they're not. I don't know. All I know is that I had my kid at 20 after spending my entire adolescence struggling with substance abuse. I am very mentally ill and my daughter knows it because my symptoms are obvious. But I do know I'm good at one thing, and it's worked remarkably well for my family: making sure my kid has dignity, even in the face of people who want to deprive her of it. Enforcing childfree spaces when there need not be any reason to is flat-out discrimination, and it robs children of their dignity. Children require dignity in order to behave in such a fashion that we actually want them to sit at the adult's table. Why don't we give dignity a chance, then?