I love pasta so fucking much. like, honestly it's a problem how much I love pasta. I'm not even exaggerating a little bit. I have a documented vitamin d, calcium, and protein deficiency. if I didn't find such great pleasure in cooking, I think I would be like one of those people on those My Strange Addiction-type reality shows about how I'm just obsessed with eating one kind of food. it's just always been like this. it's always been my entire favorite food.

with my years-long bizarre dietary obsession have come a trove of wisdom about all things pasta. hopefully these tips will help you to elevate your pasta game and decrease your stupid Olive Garden budget. disclaimer: I am not Italian or remotely close to it. I just really like pasta. for those who prefer videos and/or information about pasta delivered by an actual Italian, this video basically has all the tips I'll be covering in this post.

that's a great fuckin' question. in a world full of pasta choices, which one do you pick? once you get the hang of knowing which tastes go good with which textures, it becomes pretty easy, and usually you can start with what you already know about pasta.

let's take mac & cheese. everyone loves mac & cheese, right? (if you don't, you're in the wrong place.) nice thick, viscous cheese sauce, often with a silly little crust on top. macaroni is essentially a small tube shaped into a half-circle, which is great for holding onto that thick sauce without becoming overwhelmed by it. it's no wonder, therefore, that Tini chose a cavatappi when she gave us her famous mac & cheese recipe. (cav & cheese?) like, think about it. Tini literally puts two-and-a-half pounds of grated cheese into her famous mac & cheese. you're not shiddin' after you eat it. something small but mighty like a macaroni or, better yet, the cavatappi can handle that, but something thin like a spaghetti or linguine noodle? nope. not happening. thick sauces are best suited for sturdy pasta shapes.

this is also why those smaller, hardier shapes--ziti, penne, farfalle--are really good in meatier pasta bakes or "casserole"-style pastas for us uncultured flyover state people. they can firstly survive an al dente cook beforehand, or you could do the trendy "one pot" thing where you just chuck the pasta in dry with the ingredients then shower everything in broth. these smaller shapes don't usually--I'll get to that in a bit--get mushy and broken down during cooking. not so with the long noodles like spaghetti. (if you make spaghetti bakes and you're finding yourself getting defensive, that's fine. it's part of the process. we Americans are seldom ever taught to properly cook pasta. I wasn't.)

second, small shapes usually have a lot of nooks and crannies that chunky sauce and its ingredients can hide in. the notable exception I want to talk about--see, I told you I'd get to this--in the "small pastas for big sauces" department is conchiglie, otherwise known as mini shells. mini shells are elusively deceptive. are they great in mac & cheese? yes. are they great with meat sauces? also yes. but, in my experience, they do not hold up well in pasta bakes and they can sometimes be overwhelmed by bigger ingredients (like rough-chopped veg or meat).

now, what are the long noodles good for? lots of things! long noodles are especially great with any sauce that needs to be emulsified, which is another thing I'll get to real soon. these sauces tend to be more oil or fat-based: aglio e olio, nerrano, Alfredo etc. but an emulsified, creamy tomato sauce absolutely slaps, too. as to which type of sauce to pair with which type of long noodle, a good general rule is that the thicker and heavier the noodle, the thicker and heavier the sauce. for example, you're unlikely to see a thick Bolognese sauce on linguine or angel hair, but thicker spaghettis and fettucine or tagliatelle can happily sit in them. likewise, a light lemon sauce complements the lightness of linguine, but underwhelms bucatini. also, remember: breaking your pasta is a rookie mistake. no, your pasta might not fit into the pot. don't be scared. it's meant to soften. just let it soften for 30-60 seconds and gently coax it into the pot.

finally, your taste is your taste. don't let anyone yuck your yums. I personally will not eat angel hair unless I absolutely have to, but there are people out there who love a good lemon-and-spinach angel hair in the summer. likewise, I think bucatini is amazing, but many people I've talked to think it's like eating a straw--which it is but, like, is that so wrong? the cool thing about food is that, like language, it crosses stupid human barriers we create for ourselves and cultures turn it into their own. I personally think it's disgusting and inauthentic to bake spaghetti into a casserole, cut it out like it's a lasagna, and then cut it some more as you put it to your mouth, creating inch-long pieces of mushy spaghetti that make me shudder just thinking about it. or, like, people who break their long pasta when they cook it. couldn't be me! but, again, don't let me yuck your yums. maybe that's how you grew up and you like to eat it that way.

for a great, extremely comprehensive list of different pasta shapes and how to pair them, please visit: https://www.tastingtable.com/1863917/types-of-pasta-when-to-use/

just like different shapes of pasta go better with different sauces, different proteins do, as well. a general rule to follow is that light proteins go better with white or light sauces, and heavy proteins go better with red sauces. here's what I mean by that.

so, I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but one of my favorite Facebook statuses I've ever made was about how I was making chicken bacon ranch mac & cheese at 4AM because I am an American and my favorite superhero is Jesus and my favorite sport is coronary artery disease. (it was 2011 and I was getting wasted a lot.) and honestly? I don't really remember how it turned out, but I assume that mac & cheese absolutely fucked. likewise, I absolutely love a good Bolognese sauce, carefully slow-simmered to perfection: the nice, brown meat permeating the sauce and soaking up all the red wine.

I couldn't actually tell you why light protein goes with light sauce and heavy protein goes with red sauce. I have a theory that it's because something like a beef or sausage mince is going to be quite fatty, which complements the acidity and relative lightness of the tomato; likewise, a lean protein like chicken, fish, or shrimp, requires the fattiness of cream or oil to give it flavor and oomph. that said, this isn't a hard and fast rule. after all, chicken parmesan and red sauces made with turkey mince are a thing still (although I think everyone secretly hates turkey mince and only eats it for health or ethical reasons).

this is really where we get on some big-brain shit. you may have heard two catchphrases when fancy people on the Internet cook pasta:

1. "You want your pasta water to be salty like the ocean."
2. "Save a cup of pasta water because it's liquid gold."

both of these things are true. they're not exaggerations. they are both extremely necessary for the emulsification process, which is how you get restaurant-quality pasta from home. this is where home chefs fumble and their pasta tastes like pasta from home instead of pasta from a restaurant: they don't bother to emulsify.

first of all, what's emulsification? emulsification is when you mix two liquids that usually can't mix, in this case lipids (fat) and water. if you remember from middle school science, oil and water don't mix. that's why when we put oil into water, it just floats on top. in order for lipids and water to mix, they need to have a catalyst to bind them together. this is where the pasta water comes in. pasta water is full of starch, and the starch is what binds the fat in the sauce with the pasta water, creating a thick and glossy consistency that will really elevate your sauce game.

you need to cook your pasta in such a way that your pasta water will be good for emulsification. you'll want to do two things. first up, you don't want to use an absolute shitload of water. you want to use just enough water to thoroughly cook the pasta and have room for it to move around, and not much more than that. like, if you're using a four-quart pot to cook a pound of pasta in, you don't need all four quarts. you need, like, two quarts tops. the reasoning here is that the pasta water will become more concentrated with starch from the pasta itself. you also need to salt your water heavily, so that it's the taste of the ocean. salt is a natural flavor enhancer so, when the sauce gets on it, the taste of it is enhanced by the salt on the pasta and in the pasta water. also, don't put oil in the pasta water, even if it's tempting to prevent it from sticking. the oil might prevent the pasta from sticking to each other, but it'll also prevent the pasta from sticking to the sauce.

when cooking your pasta in preparation to emulsify a sauce, you need to cook it al dente, which means "not all the way through". (okay, well, technically it means "the tooth", but that literally doesn't make any sense in this context.) cook it maybe 50-75% of the way through, depending on how long the sauce will be emulsifying. the pasta finishes cooking in the sauce as the sauce emulsifies. if you cook the pasta all the way through, and then throw it into the sauce to emulsify, it overcooks and gets mushy and that's gross. just before your pasta is ready, save one cup of pasta water. it's at peak starchiness and has taken that "liquid gold" form we know and love.

by now, you've cooked your pasta al dente, and your sauce is next to you ready to receive the pasta and emulsify; now what do we do? put the pasta directly into the sauce. don't drain it beforehand and absolutely do not rinse it. you can use a spaghetti spoon for long pasta noodles or a filter spoon for smaller pastas to put directly into the sauce. yes there will be a little bit of pasta water getting into the sauce. trust the process. finally, once all the pasta is in, you will carefully and slowly mix the pasta into the sauce while adding just enough pasta water to get it glossy and emulsified. sometimes you don't need very much pasta water at all. other times you will need a lot of it. it depends on the sauce and how much pasta you're making and, after enough practice, you'll be able to tell what amount of pasta water is appropriate for that particular dish. you might even be able to do that cool tossy-toss trick that fancy chefs on the Internet do.

all steps taken together, a successful emulsification process should hypothetically result in a glossy, thick sauce that sticks well to the pasta, whatever it may be. for a detailed video from that guy who can toss pasta again, this one is great: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sCT8VE1ybo

take a look at this pastina here. we can identify three finishing ingredients: a li'l pat of butter, sprinkled-over grated parmesan (which looks weird because it's non-dairy), and coarse ground black pepper. the question is: why not just whip these directly into the pastina as a sauce? why finish with them? well, it's because ingredients to cook and ingredients to finish or garnish do different things. taking those ingredients I listed and cooking with them would turn them into cacio e pepe, which tastes very different from what I have done here. let's talk about all the different ingredients you can finish your pasta with, and what they'll do.

y'all remember salt, fat, acid, heat? most sauces marry most or all of these elements to some degree. a puttanesca uses anchovy, olive oil, tomato, and crushed red pepper, for example. the sauce marries them and turns them into a unique flavor blend, but you can finish with the individual elements to enhance everything as well.

it's common to finish, for example, with a freshly-grated hard cheese like parmesan or romano. these hard cheeses offer a nice salty, umami bite, and finishing with them both prevents their flavor from diluting into the sauce and prevents their consistency from melting and getting gritty and weird. finishing with a bit of fat, like a drizzle of extra virgin olive oil or a pat of butter, can likewise allow fat to take the stage without emulsifying into the sauce. (don't use too much fat, though, or it'll be greasy and weird.)

you might use an acid at the end as well. fresh-squeezed lemon juice at the end of a scampi or even something that already has acid like a pasta al limone or a white wine-based sauce can brighten it up a lot. (also, fun fact: if you fucked up and over-salted your water--I do this a lot, too--you can use a bit of acid to counter the salt and make it taste okay.) the same rule applies to heat. something like an arrabbiata can benefit from the additional heat that uncooked sprinkled red pepper can provide. (then again, I really like spicy stuff.)

think about it like this: building the sauce is like building the house, but finishing touches are like furnishing it.

ideally, you won't have any--at least, not leftover pasta. let me tell you about my childhood, which is a great way to invite someone to feel bad for me. I came from an immigrant family where my folks often had 4-5 jobs between the two of them. homecooked meals were rare. like, no shade; my folks just didn't have time. but my guardian got into the routine of preparing a box or two of spaghetti on his day off, bagging up the leftovers, and letting me microwave from it throughout the week. I yearned for "fresh spaghetti day": the glorious day when the spaghetti actually tasted good. (and was guaranteed to not give me food poisoning.) how revolutionary it was when I became an adult and realized that it only takes 15 fucking minutes to boil an individual serving of pasta.

as an adult, I almost never do any refrigerated leftovers of anything, unless I know I'll eat it all the next day (like if it's takeout from the night before or something), because of food safety reasons. I have a separate freezer and implement the Souper Cubes method of food storage. the problem is that pasta does not freeze well. the noodles do not hold up. the exception to this might be lasagnas prepared in advance and not cooked--like, a lasagna that you freeze and then bake--but even then, it's dicey for me. I've tried make-ahead pasta bake recipes and I don't like them. I just don't do leftover pasta anymore. it tastes like shit. it's mushy and falls apart. it has never worked out for me. I don't recommend it. as a "Texture Autistic", I can't risk upchucking my food if it... feels bad in there.

what I do recommend, if you want to meal prep or cut cooking time down, is to prepare sauce in advance. whether your prep method is freezing (this is my favorite method) or canning, prepping lots of sauce in advance allows you to simply prepare the pasta fresh and simultaneously heat the sauce up, then emulsify it as though you've made it fresh. like, put the sauce in the saucepan and heat it up--sometimes I'm lazy and ask Chef Mike to do it for me, admittedly, but don't be like me--and cook your pasta in it like normal. this is also great if you're cooking for one or two.

"BuT tHe CoUnTrY bAt," I hear you say, "I wAnT tO mEaL pReP iN aDvAnCe So I dOn'T hAvE tO tHiNk AbOuT iT." I tried to think of how to address this, and I'm just not going to, honestly. there are freezer prep creators out there who have techniques that they use for results they find acceptable. but I don't find them acceptable. there has just never been a time in my life where I have been so fucked and so busy that I was unable or unwilling to make fresh pasta to go with a prepped sauce, and I've had my share of childbirth, surgeries, chronic illness flareups, mental illness flareups, and The Time I Was Working Three Jobs. if I want pasta, it's getting made fresh. I'm an adult now. every day is fresh spaghetti day lmao.

here's some recipes I've found over the years that I can't take credit for but are absolutely amazing. if you consume shortform content, here is the collection of all the pasta recipes I saved on TikTok. you might notice that many of these are vegan or vegetarian; I was vegan/vegetarian for many years myself, so, yep. it's really easy to substitute meat in these recipes if you choose, though.

• Stanley Tucci-inspired Spaghetti alla Nerano: simple, classic, seasonal. this one particularly implements techniques I prefer, such as less oil and thicker zucchini rounds.
• Molly Baz's mushroom carbonara: for the vegetarian carbonara lover in your life. the top comment is "I made this tonight and drank wine and cried. It was a nice time." so you know what you're getting into.
• The Korean Vegan's, um, whatever kind of pasta this is lol: I know, I'm so sorry to link a TikTok directly, but she doesn't have this anywhere else. it's vegan, it's comforting, it's really weird and amazing.
• Sweet Simple Vegan's one-pot Hamburger Helper: mostly because I think it's lol of me to end this extremely long-winded and pretentious post about pasta and authenticity with a Hamburger Helper recipe.