warning: this recipe is for 12-13 fucking servings of sauce. I really have a problem when it comes to eating pasta, so I have a tendency to make a big batch of it and then freeze half-cup servings in my Souper Cubes trays. so this is, like, six cups of sauce, or about two jars? if you want less, make less. you can also can it if you're into that. I think? I don't know. don't listen to me. I don't know dick about canning. you might die from botulism if you listen to me. anyway, onto the recipe.

ingredients:

• an entire head of garlic, or one heaping tablespoon of "jarlic"
• 3.5oz jar of green, unripe, non-pareil capers
• 9.5oz jar of sliced Kalamata olives, or 10oz jar of whole kalamata olives
• vegan: one package of original flavor nori sheets, such as these. absolutely do not get a kind with wasabi, teriyaki, or other Asian-inspired flavor
• non-vegan: 1.6oz tube of anchovy paste, such as these. you can use any brand, really, as long as it's 1.6oz
• a big glug of olive oil, enough to cover the heavy-bottomed pan you're preparing this monstrosity in
• two 28oz cans of San Marzano whole tomatoes
• crushed red pepper and salt to taste. know your limits lmao. I use a lot. they don't call it puttanesca for nothin'

you're probably wondering why I've used "tube" and "jar" as units of measurement here. again, it's because this recipe is 12 servings. obviously, if you cut the recipe in half, use half the jar and only one can of tomatoes. you also want to make sure you have a pair of clean kitchen shears to cut food with. trust me here. you'll see.

prepare your garlic, capers, and olives as needed. finely mince your garlic and capers, and slice your olives if they are not already sliced. you're going to want the garlic and capers little enough to have bite, and the olives just bigger than slivers, so that they don't overpower a single bite.

heat your oil over medium heat. once your oil is hot, add the garlic and either the package of nori or the tube of anchovy paste. if you are using the nori, cut it into little tiny strips directly into the oil. don't worry, it's not weird and it melts. it seriously tastes just like the ocean. and if you're using the anchovy paste, yes, I do mean put the entire tube of anchovy paste directly into the oil. stir it around for about a minute or two, just long enough to lightly toast the garlic and piss off all your housemates making the kitchen smell like fish.

once the garlic and anchovy/nori are fragrant, add the capers and olives. again, you want to give these a swish around the pot for just a minute or two. you don't need to cook these very much; they will mostly cook in the sauce with the tomato. after they've had their minute-or-two-long swish, add your two cans of tomatoes directly into the sauce. when they're in the pot, cut the whole tomatoes into bite-size pieces with the kitchen shears.

add crushed red pepper to taste. remember: at first, it will not be as spicy as when it's done, so make it less spicy than you like at first. bring the sauce to a simmer and simmer it for 15 minutes. if you are going to serve some now, cook your pasta according to package directions. check your crushed red pepper and salt; it will probably not need very much salt because of the anchovy/nori. set aside the amount you want to save, and leave warm the amount you are serving now. (obviously, if you are not serving any now, you're done.)

once your pasta is done, add it directly into the sauce--do not add the sauce to the pasta; that is some rookie shit--along with a nice ladleful of pasta water. give it a good toss together so that the sauce emulsifies, and serve immediately. garnish with some parmigiano reggiano or parmesan cheese, or even a little nutritional yeast--I mean, if you want. it's super umami as-is, so you might not want to, but I still do. idk.